Tag: Gerianne

Personal history, life experiences and writings of Annie (Gerianne) B. Hull.

Of Mice and Gerianne

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Lol. I have no clue as to my title choice or how one of Steinbeck’s classics ties into it. The thing just popped into my head and stuck. So there you have it.

I’ve been debating whether or not I should write this particular post, thinking it might be just a tad too personal. On the other hand, it may benefit some as a reminder that often we may expect just another tad too much of ourselves and that we all need to look after ourselves better. If we don’t, we may be of no help to anyone.

In the wee hours of Saturday, June 2, I woke up in excruciating pain. I felt as if someone had sucker-punched me in the lower right side of my back or took their steel-toed boot to it. No matter which way I turned or moved nothing helped and I had to wait for my attendant to come. It wasn’t even approaching dawn yet, so I knew I had several hours to wait.  Luckily I have a very high pain threshold and because of what I had been through with my gallbladder a few decades ago, (which was taken out in the end) I remembered how I got accustomed to managing extreme pain, so I applied similar techniques on this morning.

As I lay in bed for the next few hours, I had time to think about several things and I’d like to share some off them with you here now.

The first extremely important thing I want people to know and never doubt, is that I am living my life pretty much exactly as I want to. Am I taking some risks? Yes, of course I am, but I have thought long and hard about those risks and I, with all my full mental faculties, am choosing to take those risks. We all take a thousand risks every day. I knew a woman who when getting up one morning, slipped, banged her head on her nightstand and died. Risks are everywhere.

Once I am in bed, I have no means to contact anyone. I can not use a phone of any kind. I don’t understand why with all our technology, there can’t be a voice activated phone. But even if there was, I’m sure I couldn’t afford the monthly mobile phone rates; and those “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” thingies costs around $300 a month. So, I am fully aware that yes, something could happen to me one night and that’ll be that. I’m also fully aware that some do not understand this as my choice of living, as opposed to living in some group home, or chronic care facility, or even having a roommate; but those options also come with risks – risk of abuse, risk of neglect, lack of freedom, lack of control/direction/choice of one’s lifestyle. No thanks. I can sleep quite soundly knowing that the risks I’m taking I consider minuscule and yes, it’s worth it, to me anyway.

The only thing I would feel badly about/for is whomever my attendant is that morning who comes to get me up and finds that they will no longer need to come to get me up, ever again. Yet in those initial moments of their shock, distress and horror, I hope that they will, within seconds, remember the very words I’ve just written here and then say aloud: “She lived her life pretty much exactly as she wanted to.” Then once all the necessities are dealt with, I hope my attendants and all who understood and supported my life’s philosophies and choices will gather together and celebrate their own awesomeness. For it is only with the assistance of these incredible people can I make the choices I do. Mind you, I sincerely hope “that morning” is still decades and decades away yet. I was once called “selfish” and told that I don’t appreciate my attendants, but I took into account the source and the circumstances under which it was said, because anyone who has ever seen me with any of my attendants instantly sees how much I value them.

Laying there that morning I also had time to figure out that I was likely dealing with a kidney stone or stones. I’d never had one before, but I know people who have, and they described their experiences pretty much exactly as what I felt that morning.

When my attendant opened my door, I called to her and as calmly as I could. I told her I needed to go to emerge and explained what needed to be done to make that happen. I felt really bad for this particular attendant because she had just spent about 10 days at that hospital while she was losing her much beloved grandfather. His funeral was only 2 days prior to this morning. Now she was going back to “the scene of the crime” and although it was extremely difficult for her to be there, she handled herself with such grace and outward calmness. I was/am immensely proud of this young woman. She has matured immensely in the year+ since I’ve known and hired her.

The emerge staff were AWESOME! I spent some 10 hours there and all throughout I felt I was in very good hands. I often hear people complain about our health care system, about the long wait times, etc., but I often wonder if those are the same people who complain that it’s too hot on a beautiful summer’s day, or about all the traffic at rush hour. Now, I’m not saying that I’ve never gone to emerge and wondered why I bothered. Of course I have. Nothing is perfect. But by far with most of my rear trips to emerge here in Halifax, I can honestly only say good things regarding the treatment I received and those involved with it.

On this day I had a really nice male nurse, who suggested I be wrapped in a protective bubble when I told him about my and another attendant’s “near electrocution” when my hairdryer fell in my toilet only the day after my birthday and this emerge trip was only two days after that! lol. The Dr. was also great. He checked pretty much everything – my kidneys, my pancreas, and liver, with an ultra sound and some other kind of TC scan. I was reassured over and over again by all involved emerge staff not to hesitate to come right back if things got worse.

Because of the length of time, I asked my first attendant to text my next coming attendant to have her meet us in emerge and so she did. Both of these attendants were so awesome, both in their own way and I send special thanks to Kris, (I know it was extremely hard for you to return there so soon after losing your grandfather.) and to Maggie, who’s genuine concern I clearly saw and felt, in her direct questions to the Dr., seemingly almost trying to get him to pinpoint the precise moment that my stone would pass. Kris and Maggie, you guys are both so awesome and I am so happy to have you on my staff!

People who know me know I expect a lot of myself. I always expect myself just to bounce back and keep going. So when the intense pain slowed to a dull roar by Saturday evening, I figured: “Ok, I’ve been through a kind of major ordeal today. I’ll take it easy tomorrow and I’ll be good as new by Monday.”

Well, days later I was still exhausted but couldn’t understand why. I also noticed that I would become bone chillingly cold extremely easily. So I went to “everybody’s best info friend” – Google! And according to our beloved Google, exhaustion is an after affect of kidney stones and can last a few weeks. One site described experiencing kidney stones as similar to having an earthquake go off in your body; which I can certainly relate to. Medically I’m fine, but whether I like it or not it will take time to recover. For me, this is not a welcome requirement. Honestly, I’ve always viewed the notion of “self-care” as kind of a “new age” sissy thing, but I also know that sometimes our bodies have ways of saying: “Slow down kid. Give me a break, or I will break and ya ain’t gonna like it!” So I’m now trying to learn to listen to what my body wants and needs. If it wants a 10 minute catnap, I take one. If it wants longer, so be it. I now have a power wheelchair that reclines, so I can do that. It’s a strange concept for me not to push beyond a few limits. I’m also happy and thankful that I am indeed recovering. I have more energy this week than I did last week. So, onward and upward as they say!

An Update From Mobility Ryders

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There’s all good news from this relatively small, but mighty, group. Their hard work on Robie street (Truro) has been passed to the town engineer and they are meeting next Thursday morning, at 10am, to go over what the group would like to see done.

Mobility Ryders is doing awesome work for disability advocacy in Truro. Lets give them a huge shout out! Yaaaay!!!!!

Fear Is A Bummer!

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It stops us from getting what we want, when all fear was ever designed to do is protect us from harm.

FEAR MOVES.
It moves around your body, it moves from one idea to another, from one image to another, from one situation to another.
If you are afraid of moths and then overcome that fear, it doesn’t mean you are through with FEAR for life – there will always be fear. But also…

FEAR GROWS.
And it GETS SMALLER, too. You can work to make fear smaller, or you can work to make fear bigger.
This is where you have a choice.

– Rory Raye

What’s Been Happening?

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As you have no doubt noticed it’s been significant time since my last posting. Have I been on vacation? Lost interest maybe? Have nothing to say? Hardly!

Actually, some pretty exciting stuff has been taking place in my (and disabilitypride.net’s) life.

First, both of us have been given a huge show of support in a matter of speaking. As many of you know, an immense concern in my life these past few years has been around the issue of not having enough attendant hours/funding to adequately cover my needs.

In Nova Scotia there is another program besides the “Self-Managed Care Program” called the “Workplace Attendant Program,” which is run by our Department of Community Services. In most cases this program has supported those who are “employed” but not “self-employed.” After meeting with the program’s decision makers on May 1st, I was granted additional hours as a self-employed blogger. I and (and disabilitypride.net) will be a test case for possibly supporting future self-employment situations.

Our Department of Community Services (DCS) is now recognizing that even when an individual is highly skilled with many talents, conventional employment may not be practical for some people with disabilities. Although an increasing number of employers are open-minded enough to hire someone with a disability, there’s still a long way to go. Still, even among the employers who are open-minded enough to hire someone with a disability, they mostly hire those I refer to as the “able-bodied disabled” – the blind, the deaf, those with Down’s Syndrome or Autism. Those whose looks, speech, and movements are fairly “normal.”

In his article titled “The Business Case for Inclusive Workplaces for Persons with Disabilities”, Marcus Jamieson of TEAM Work Cooperative says: “…..according to the United Nations, there are over one billion people in the world living with a disability…. Even with these staggering facts, persons with disabilities participation in the workforce is not favorably reflected in our province’s employment statistics. Unemployment rates in Nova Scotia for persons with disabilities are twice the number of those without disabilities – 16% vs 8.8%. Also, the more severe the disability, the higher the unemployment rate.” That night, after my meeting with DCS’s WPA program managers, was the first night in over 3 years that I was able sleep without fear or worry of how to fully pay for all the attendant hours I need; without having to ask myself questions such as: “How do I hire new/replacement attendants when I don’t know how I’m going to fully pay for the hours I need now? How/where can I cut back without losing the ones that are extremely rock-solid reliable?” Living in that fear is horrifying. Our governments and agencies have no clue about what kind of utter fear this causes for people with disabilities who very much want to and are making immense efforts to be full members of the community. The system’s concept of getting back to you quickly is within a few months. They don’t even think about how people are going to manage “in the mean time.”

For this meeting I needed to have a prepared business plan. Alongside an exceptionally talented recent Dal Business Management graduate, Victoria Palmer, the collaboration of a solid document came into being. I am planning to put my business plan on disabilitypride.net in the near future.

Following the WPA decision came another first of sorts. I was requested by one of the Editors of the “International Journal for Direct Support Professionals” Dave Hingsburger, to contribute an article on the “Do’s and Don’ts” of staff who provide support to persons with disabilities in their individually private homes. In the past some of my poetry has been published internationally, but this is my first article to go in a professionally recognized international journal.

Yet this very busy couple of weeks started of with my conducting a mini workshop on self-confidence at Teamwork Cooperative. Visiting Teamwork is always such a positive experience for me. Many staff I now know well. Fellow guest speakers are always incredible to listen to; and I love to have current clients engaged in my presentations. It’s awesome!

“Gerianne” Turns 38 Today!

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Well “Gerianne” turns 38 today! No, not me. I’m much older than 38! (Although I feel around 38!) “Gerianne” is 38 today. “But…. YOU’RE Gerianne.” This is very true!

For those of you who hate the name you were given when you were far too young to protest and since that day you truly believe you’re “stuck with it” for the rest of your life, I have very good news for you…… YOU’RE NOT AT ALL STUCK WITH IT! Yaaaay!!!

I occasionally get asked how I got the name Gerianne. Who gave it to me? When I answer “I did.” I either get a very confused look, or I’ll get a response of something like “Ohhh, Gerianne’s not your real name.” Then when I reply with “Yes, Gerianne is my real and legal name.” then the really confused looks start coming.

Ok, so an explanation is obviously required here. First let met say that, yes, Gerianne truly is my legal and rightful name, but that hasn’t always been the case. I was actually Christened/Baptised Geraldine ( which was chosen by a relative whom I don’t at all get along with) Beatrice (which was chosen by my mother) Anne (which was my mother’s name.) [Boy, what a mouthful!]

When I came into my early teens in Ontario, people started calling me Gerry for short because Geraldine was considered “too old fashioned.” In addition Flip Wilson’s comedic character “Geraldine Jones” brought on another branch of unappreciated teasing to my life.

Then when I was nearing twenty I went through a delayed and severe stage of grieving, in really missing my mother, who had died of cancer when I was just seven years old. I decided that I wanted something of her’s that would be a constant part of my life and that I could have with me every single day of the rest of my life. Since Anne was already my third name, I thought of the idea of combining it with the “Gerry.” (Honestly, at that point I had never heard the name Gerianne ever before. I thought I was coming up with a truly one-of-a-kind name.) I then sat down and typed out (on an electric typewriter) all the different ways that I could think of to spell Gerianne. I think I came up with 264 ways of spelling it. I may still have that list somewhere. I’m not sure. It included G’s or J’s, one r or two, hyphen or not, double n or not, with or without an e at the end, etc. I decided that I liked the way my chosen spelling is the best. It’s all one word and looks nice.

But I knew that if I just starting calling myself Gerianne I would have acquaintances and others saying “I don’t have to call you that. That’s not your rightful name.” So I made it my rightful name – legally. On April 16, 1980, I went to court and had my first name legally changed to Gerianne. Unfortunately, I still have a few relatives who are stuck in their ways and still call me either Gerry, or worse Geraldine, (which is a real pet peeve of mine – I hate both immensely) but I realize that I can’t convert everyone.

The first other Gerianne I’d heard of wasn’t an awareness gained under the best of terms. My then husband was reading a Newfoundland newspaper and read about a Gerianne (spelled the same as mine) who was murdered in St. John’s NL. The article really upset him for a long time.

I later did a search on the web once for Gerianne and I was really surprised to see how many results came up – varying spellings of course. I forget which search engine I used but it was interesting. I also “met” a Gerianne on the net who was named after St. Gerard – the patron saint of pregnant women. She was living in Alaska when we “met” online.

These days I also go by Annie, which was what everyone called my Mom. I’m honestly very comfortable with both – Gerianne and/or Annie; and yes I really did meet Tim Horton – although the captions are just for fun. (But I don’t remember what we talked about, so ya never know….. maybe! Haha!)

The Kabalarians website give the following analysis of the name Gerianne, which actually seems fairly accurate:
The name of Gerianne creates a friendly, sociable, charming nature, but causes you to be too easily influenced by others. While you find it easy to meet and mix, and can appear agreeable and compromising in conversation, you can become dogmatic and forceful if pressed too far. Others learn that you cannot be told what to do and you seldom change your mind once it is made up. You prefer situations that allow a degree of independence, but are reluctant to take on a demanding work-load or responsibility. In a position dealing with the public, you could do well because of your friendly personality, interest in people, and desire to please. When asked, you are able to give others good advice that you would probably not follow yourself, but must guard against being too opinionated in controversial matters.

The physical weaknesses due to this name, centre in the fluids of the body and the senses of the head, causing headaches, eye, teeth, or severe sinus conditions; also, kidney or bladder weaknesses.

You can get information your name at the Kabalarian Philosophy™, website, at: www.kabalarians.com Try it for fun. You might learn a little more about yourself.