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On September 24, I put a decision I’ve made into action and I was completely overwhelmed by the response it received.
That evening I posted the following on my Facebook page:
“For several reasons, I’m reclaiming “Gerianne.” (Annie is fine too, but it’s time for Gerianne to reclaim her rightful place in my life again.)”
The immediate affirming reaction from people connected as friends on my Facebook page was mind-blowing. I never for a second thought my decision to revert back to my legal name of “Gerianne” would receive such a reaction. Actually, I really wasn’t expecting much of a reaction at all, but within about 5 seconds after announcing it, the post had 6 likes. Another minute or so later, the likes were up to 9, and then kept climbing….. 15 likes….. 29 likes!
When I expressed my shock to a long-time close friend, she said this:
“Well, a lot of people have known you through all that you have gone through in the past number of years and they are glad to see you rising up again – to assert your own individuality again.”
In reflection, I felt that “Gerianne” really needed to go to “a quiet place” for a time. She was battled, emotionally bruised, worn out, and exhausted, in every way possible. Her sensed of self-esteem and self-worth had been obliterated into unrecognizable specs of dust, caused by being verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually abused, for countless hours, which turned into countless days, which turned into countless months, which added up to about two years, by the man who once promised to love and cherish her forever.
Gerianne laughs now when people assume it was he who left her. But back then, she definitely wasn’t laughing. She was struggling to survive, day by day. Early on she learned the hard way that reaching out to friends and family only made things worse – for them and for herself.
She remembers one night when she was talking to her brother on the phone. She thought she had privacy, behind a closed door. The “ex” told her he’d be watching TV and wouldn’t hear a thing. Her brother wanted to know how she was holding up, so she told him. When she got off the phone, she quickly learned that the “ex” had been listening the whole time. He then proceeded to give her a verbal 3 hour verbal shit-kicking. It was then she realized that she couldn’t call her brother, her sister, close friends, or anyone. So she pretty much cut herself off from most of those she loved dearly, hoping that if told them the least, they wouldn’t worry. There were only two people she confided in during that time, her then only attendant and her Minister/friend. Those two people became Gerianne’s lifelines and kept her from going insane, or losing all hope altogether. But whenever anyone asked how she was doing, she would give them the party line of: “Oh, I’m fine. I’m doing okay. Yup. I’m good.” But most didn’t have a clue of what she was going through, not even her brother. It wasn’t til he came to visit after she moved to her own place (2 and a half years later) did she tell him just how horrific things had gotten for her
After her divorce, “Annie” came into being, and Annie was there when Gerianne just couldn’t be. Annie was more open, (perhaps even just a tiny bit naughty) and more willing to step out of Gerianne’s reserved lifestyle. Annie dared to try new things, was much more liberated; and in time, Annie taught Gerianne how to honestly be “Gerianne” with no pretense, no trying to be who and what others expected or wanted her to be; and maybe most importantly, Annie taught Gerianne to be at peace with exactly who she is, with all her good and all her bad, and just be the whole genuine Gerianne.
On the post, another friend quoted Shakespeare’s infamous line: “A rose is still a rose by any other name…..” but with the utmost respect to Shakespeare and others, I disagree.
As I wrote in a poem which I started many years ago (and honestly, just finished it that evening) I say:
“A rose is not a rose by any other name
For in a name
There is identity and familiarity.
There is history and continuity.
There is a knowledge of the past
And dreams for the future.
A rose is not a rose by any other name
For in a name
There is the recognition of what once was
and what is to become.
There is a rite of respect and the essence of dignity.
A rose is not a rose by any other name
For by any other name
a rose can be mistaken as just any other flower.”
By: Gerianne B. Hull
Is Annie completely gone now? No, of course not. Never. But it’s time for Gerianne to retake her place and to continue the life she’s meant to live.
