Tag: self-identity

Gerianne Is Back!

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On September 24, I put a decision I’ve made into action and I was completely overwhelmed by the response it received.

That evening I posted the following on my Facebook page:
“For several reasons, I’m reclaiming “Gerianne.” (Annie is fine too, but it’s time for Gerianne to reclaim her rightful place in my life again.)”

The immediate affirming reaction from people connected as friends on my Facebook page was mind-blowing. I never for a second thought my decision to revert back to my legal name of “Gerianne” would receive such a reaction. Actually, I really wasn’t expecting much of a reaction at all, but within about 5 seconds after announcing it, the post had 6 likes. Another minute or so later, the likes were up to 9, and then kept climbing….. 15 likes….. 29 likes!

When I expressed my shock to a long-time close friend, she said this:

“Well, a lot of people have known you through all that you have gone through in the past number of years and they are glad to see you rising up again – to assert your own individuality again.”

In reflection, I felt that “Gerianne” really needed to go to “a quiet place” for a time. She was battled, emotionally bruised, worn out, and exhausted, in every way possible. Her sensed of self-esteem and self-worth had been obliterated into unrecognizable specs of dust, caused by being verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually abused, for countless hours, which turned into countless days, which turned into countless months, which added up to about two years, by the man who once promised to love and cherish her forever.

Gerianne laughs now when people assume it was he who left her. But back then, she definitely wasn’t laughing. She was struggling to survive, day by day. Early on she learned the hard way that reaching out to friends and family only made things worse – for them and for herself.

She remembers one night when she was talking to her brother on the phone. She thought she had privacy, behind a closed door. The “ex” told her he’d be watching TV and wouldn’t hear a thing. Her brother wanted to know how she was holding up, so she told him. When she got off the phone, she quickly learned that the “ex” had been listening the whole time. He then proceeded to give her a verbal 3 hour verbal shit-kicking. It was then she realized that she couldn’t call her brother, her sister, close friends, or anyone. So she pretty much cut herself off from most of those she loved dearly, hoping that if told them the least, they wouldn’t worry. There were only two people she confided in during that time, her then only attendant and her Minister/friend. Those two people became Gerianne’s lifelines and kept her from going insane, or losing all hope altogether. But whenever anyone asked how she was doing, she would give them the party line of: “Oh, I’m fine. I’m doing okay. Yup. I’m good.” But most didn’t have a clue of what she was going through, not even her brother. It wasn’t til he came to visit after she moved to her own place (2 and a half years later) did she tell him just how horrific things had gotten for her

After her divorce, “Annie” came into being, and Annie was there when Gerianne just couldn’t be. Annie was more open, (perhaps even just a tiny bit naughty) and more willing to step out of Gerianne’s reserved lifestyle. Annie dared to try new things, was much more liberated; and in time, Annie taught Gerianne how to honestly be “Gerianne” with no pretense, no trying to be who and what others expected or wanted her to be; and maybe most importantly, Annie taught Gerianne to be at peace with exactly who she is, with all her good and all her bad, and just be the whole genuine Gerianne.

On the post, another friend quoted Shakespeare’s infamous line: “A rose is still a rose by any other name…..” but with the utmost respect to Shakespeare and others, I disagree.

As I wrote in a poem which I started many years ago (and honestly, just finished it that evening) I say:

“A rose is not a rose by any other name
For in a name
There is identity and familiarity.
There is history and continuity.
There is a knowledge of the past
And dreams for the future.

A rose is not a rose by any other name
For in a name
There is the recognition of what once was
and what is to become.
There is a rite of respect and the essence of dignity.

A rose is not a rose by any other name
For by any other name
a rose can be mistaken as just any other flower.”

                                                                                            By: Gerianne B. Hull

Is Annie completely gone now? No, of course not. Never. But it’s time for Gerianne to retake her place and to continue the life she’s meant to live.

The Beginning – Again!

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Take #141…..

Take #235…..

Take #346…..

Take #1,263!

The first time I told someone of my plans to write my auto biography, I think I was about 12 or 13 years of age. The person I told, kind of chuckled and said: “Ahh Gerianne, why don’t you wait and live your life a little more first, so you’ll actually have something to write about.” At the time I was somewhat offended, but now I realize they were somewhat right.

Over the years I’ve started to write my life’s story a couple times, but it seemed that “life” always got in the way – weather it was the job of running a non-profit organization, for which my administrative responsibilities were vast and time consuming; or whether it was trying to be the best wife I could be to a now ex-husband – to make his many psychological, emotional and yes, physical/vision needs my #1 priority – well beyond my own needs and goals.

With all that quickly becoming my distant past, lately I once again have the strong urge and desire to get at it – to write the book that I’ve always held in my heart and in my thoughts. So, God willing, I will succeed this time.

From time to time, I may post little excerpts (such as this little bit above) on here, on a temporary basis. If you read any of them and like them, please let me know. I can use all the encouragement I can get for this huge undertaking.

I may also temporarily post some random articles of mine, that I’ll make available for digital purchase and download. If you like any of them and would like to show your support for what I’m doing, consider purchasing the digital copy. Your doing so will help me in a couple ways:

  • It will give me support and encouragement to keep going.
  • Honestly, it will help me with some of my financial needs and obligations – my blog’s hosting fees, my store’s security fees, needed software purchases and updates, travel costs for speaking engagements, and for possibly hiring a person specifically to assist me with my PR and Social Media needs.
  • Also, you will be helping me prove a couple people wrong – people who have recently suggested, (and I’m using the word “suggested” politely, as it was far more direct then that) said that I cannot make money, with doing what I’m doing. I believe that they are wrong. I believe I can. So now, (and if you know me at all) I know that their negative and narrow minded attitude is now adding an extra layer of motivation for me to prove them wrong – which I’ve repeatedly done with others, throughout my entire life. Attempting to do so doesn’t scare me. It honestly invigorates me and I would love your help in proving these people wrong.
  • So again, if you like what you read – if you gain insight, encouragement, your own motivation – by reading my work, please let me know; and if your so inclined to provide a little support financially, it will be appreciated indeed. I may also surprise you with a modest gift/reward of appreciation.
  • Also know that if for any reason, you don’t feel comfortable purchasing my products (whether they be tangible or digital) that’s cool. Continue to read, enjoy and send me your comments and words of support anyway. It’s all good and encouraging.

Happy reading!

Gerianne

Important Pieces of My Past

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Over the weekend one of my attendants helped me reunite with some rather important parts of my past.

Actually, doing so has left me feeling kind of emotional about having these documents hanging on my wall again.

I worked damn hard for some of these documents; especially the Sheridan College and the Grace College ones. They didn’t deserve the neglectful treatment that they got. (Neither did I.) For years they were wrapped in newspapers – shoved in boxes – buried in storage. Then, for the past two years, they sat on a shelf in my living room, waiting for the person who promised to help me put them up, but never did.

I’m glad they’re up again. Thank you so much Ann Marie for making this happen. I’m also so glad I get the pleasure of knowing you. I hope we’ll stay friends, when I’m not your employer any more.

Another Unwelcomed Flashback

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It’s funny (or more honestly not funny) what can trigger a post-traumatic experience. Otherwise known as PTSD.

Many people think that PTSD only affects military and service people – firefighters, police, etc., and although it may be more common in those groups, PTD also affects individuals who have gone through other kinds of trauma, such as abuse.

The other morning at breakfast my attendant spilled her cup of coffee. My attendants all know that I’m pretty casual in my home, so I welcome them to make coffee for themselves, bring there own breakfast and stuff like that.

When this happened, she immediately kind of panicked, saying: “Ohhh my God! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!”

I said: “It’s okay kid. Don’t worry. It’s only coffee.”

But she kept apologizing, and calling herself clumsy and stupid.

Again, I reassured her. You’re not stupid. It’s not big deal. I know you’ll clean it up, and honestly, if this is your biggest problem today, you’ve got it made kid!” I joked that I was glad it’s not only me who does stuff like that.

We both laughed, and she said: “Yeh, you’re right.”

Then a few seconds later, as my mind went back a few years, I said: “Look, I will never treat you guys the way my ex treated me. Whenever I spilled something like that, he would instantly combust, screaming: “Jesus F**cking Christ!!!” at the top of his lungs, which would make me instantly apologize. Then 30 seconds later, when he had it cleaned up, he would look at me and say: “See, no big deal.”

What a mind fuck. If it was really no big deal, why was that his first reaction every time. It’s easy to overlook this kind of outburst as abuse, but it is. It stays with you. The fear of inducing that hostile reaction again stays with you, even years later.

During my marriage break up, my ex would tell me that if I ever spoke of anything like this – if I wrote about stuff that happened – stuff he said and did, he would sue me with Slander and Deformation of Character.

When I told this to a friend of mine about my ex’s threat, my friend laughed and said; “Look Gerianne, after my ex told the lawyer what he wanted to do; even if your ex could afford a layer at say, $500 a hour, the lawyer would charge him for that hour; then charge your ex another $500 for wasting the lawyer’s time; plus charge him again, while laughing their ass and booting him out of their office, for being so ridiculously silly. It’s only slander if it’s not true. It’s not slander if it is the truth.”

So I will continue to write, speak, and talk about abuse and the devastating effects on the human spirit. And my ex be damned.

If I Had To Do It All Again, I Would Make A Different Choice

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We all say this from time to time, about different things, so at this point you have no idea where I’m going with this, so let me explain.

As many people know, I have had and I have gone by a few derivatives of my name, for various reasons. But since my divorce, (going on 5 years ago now) I’ve done a lot of thinking about this whole name business. I’ve been writing for decades, and I feel that some of my choices in names are now coming back to bite me in the butt.

As with a lot of women, (especially in years gone by) I felt (back then) that taking my then husband’s name was a good thing. I wanted to show him that I was proud to be his wife, and in doing so, I published under that name. I won awards under that name, and received certificates and accreditation’s under that name, however presently, I really don’t want reminders of that name on my wall, so I am really torn as to what to do with them. On the one hand I feel like I would like to have those accreditation’s hanging on my wall, yet in knowing that name is on them I really don’t need the constant reminder of my old life.

However, now that I am divorced and have gone back to my maiden name, I wonder how much damage I’ve caused my own self, because I now think I should have just kept my legal maiden name and used his unofficially.

After all, you could call yourself anything you want to. I’m not sure if people realize that or not, but you can call yourself anything. I could call myself Lucy Lou, Betty Boop, anything, and that would be fine, but when you’re trying to build a public profile as a writer, maybe it’s best to have just one name as a legal identity.

Now of course, I’m not talking about pen names. Those are different and sometimes helpful, or even necessary. For instance, if I wanted to write in a completely different genre, say Sci-Fi, I might be wise to use a pen name. To a point my readers may think: “Why the heck is Gerianne Hull writing Sci-Fi now? That’s not what she does.”

Writing Sci-Fi under Gerianne Hull may cause my readers upset and confusion. They may wonder if I’m completely changing my realm of writing, and it may cause them some upset, and may even stop reading my work. Some may wonder if I’ve gone off the deep end. (BTW, no. I don’t write Sci-Fi.)

So honestly, if I could give one piece of advice to young women who are about to marry, or dream of one day being married, I would say this, if you would like to take your spouse’s name; if you would be proud and honored to use it; then yes, by all means do so. Go by it, be proud of it; but keep your own legal maiden name; because you never know what’s going to come in the future.

As for first names, I feel it’s really important to call people what they want to be called. Don’t feel free to automatically shorten their name, or give them a nickname. Honestly, that’s rude and disrespectful.

Still, recognize again, that sometimes people use a different variations of their name and perhaps for various reasons.

After my divorce and I got into online dating for a couple years, early on someone recommended that I not use my real name: “Because you never know who your going to come across online.” I considered it wise advice, so I started using Annie. The ironic thing is, when you start chatting with someone online, the inconsistencies very quickly become obvious . If you’re talking to someone for any real time and you get to the point where you want to talk off of the dating sites, and you give someone your email, Facebook page, or even your text/phone number, trust me they’ll notice if the name is different and will ask you about it. Then you’ll get into a awkward and sticky situation of trying to explain why for “x length of time” you’ve been lying. Trust soon goes flying out the window and all can go south very quickly.

But there’s also other situations where using name derivatives can be just easier. For instance my legal name is Gerianne. It hasn’t always been. When I was about 20, I legally combined the name that I was going by, with my mothers name and came up with Gerianne.

So Gerianne means a lot to me because it’s partly my mothers name. However sometimes when I meet new people and they ask my name, I’ll say “Annie,” because if I say “Gerianne,” since it’s not a common name, the person will start guessing and I get everything from Mary Ann, to Terlyn, to Gertrude, to Genevieve, to who knows what. So sometimes it’s just a lot easier to say Annie. Annie was also what people called my mom, so I don’t mind being called it.

After my divorce, I also liked using Annie. In part because I needed to create distance from the awful ending of the whole 30 years of marriage and get that out of my system. I needed to do that in order to heal.

But lately I’m again remembering the reactions of one of my former attendants, when I said that I preferred Annie over Gerianne, because I was going by Gerianne my whole married life. This attendant, who I honestly considered to also be a friend, had a very heartfelt reaction. Her words shot through me like a bolt of lightening. She said: “Don’t let him take that away from you. You know why you have that name. You know what it means to you. Don’t let him take that away.”

At the time I considered her comments, and they’ve always stuck with me, but back then I needed to do what I needed to do for my own well being. Yet recently I’ve been thinking a lot about her words and yes, in some respects I’m at the point, where those words are again designating in my heart and I’m thinking maybe “Gerianne” needs to make a come back and take its rightful place in my identity. So, I’m not going to get upset or get offended when someone calls me one or the other. The only name I don’t like being called is “Gerry,” because that eliminates the memory and recognition of my mom, and that I do not like at all. Anyone who calls me “Gerry” clearly doesn’t know me very well at all.